Sorry this is a long one..
Since I've been divorced, just over 3 years now, people constantly say, mostly in reference to my issues with the opposite sex, that I need to "focus on myself". I get irritated when people say this to me because I have no idea what it even means! Plus, I really dislike when people tell me what to do! Ha! I think what these people are inferring is for me to stop "worrying" about boys and cut them out of my life but honestly, what's love got to do with it?!? I've been hashing it over and over in my head to figure out what "focusing on yourself" really means and I DON'T think boys have much to do with it at all!
The truth is, I don’t NEED a man. Actually, I need very little things in my life, I know that. But I don’t think “focusing on myself” has anything to do with a boy. People don’t NEED kids, non romantic relationships, nicer cars, more money, etc., they DESIRE these things to add significance or meaning to their lives. Just like a relationship of the opposite sex does, in my opinion. Understandable, if I was neglecting all things in my life and just waiting around and basing my life solely off of a guy – which I agree I have done this to some extent - but I don't think being involved with a guy should define whether or not I'm focusing on myself or implying that I'm doing something wrong. And trust me, I am way too independent and selfish to let a guy completely consume my life!
Even though I am not perfect, not completely happy or 100% healthy, my life has been and still is all about figuring out who I am and what makes me happy. Yes, the past year and half I was in a quasi - relationship (well really any relationship since my divorce ha!) that was not healthy and it did NOT make me happy (90% of the time), but even still, I learned SO much about myself and why I am the way I am. I think I learned more about myself in the last couple years than I have in my 28, almost 29 years (OUCH!), of life. So even though sometimes things are bad and detrimental for us they still are teaching and molding us into who we are. I have spend COUNTLESS hours analyzing and over analyzing and still continue to analyze why I did or didn't do and said the things that I said, in the context of these relationships, and because of that I have discovered invaluable things about myself that I wouldn't have if I was never involved. So yes, even in these horrible relationships, I was "focusing on myself". I can't help it if how I go about things or if the way I live my life isn't pleasing to others. It's my life and we all have our own way of sorting through the bullshit.
I believe “focusing on yourself” means living a life that makes YOU happy and whole. How you choose to live or who you choose to spend your time with is up to you. As long as the people you surround yourself with and the environment you are in is uplifting and helping you grow as a person then you are doing something right. I don’t think my problem has ever been that I haven’t been “focusing on myself”, I actually think I have and am doing a good job of making my life about me, even aside from the drama filled relationships that I have been in the last couple years. For example:
I'm pretty sure I do ALL the above things for ME. No one else. So, I'd say that I am indeed "focusing on myself". I think my problem is, rather, my choice of people that I have allowed to take up residence in my life . THAT is what I need to change moving forward! And I believe that I have learned and my life will start to reflect my better choices. (At least I hope.....jk it will!)
I've come to realize that focusing on oneself is unique to each individual person and only you can define what that means for yourself - no one, not even your priest or therapist, can define that for you or for me! Also, you should be focusing on yourself your ENTIRE life. It's a never ending process of refining who you are, being a better version of the you that you were yesterday. So when someone tells me I should "focus on myself", I think it's a no-brainer because I'm never going to stop. (Duh!)
PS I can't promise this will be the only long one! :)
The truth is, I don’t NEED a man. Actually, I need very little things in my life, I know that. But I don’t think “focusing on myself” has anything to do with a boy. People don’t NEED kids, non romantic relationships, nicer cars, more money, etc., they DESIRE these things to add significance or meaning to their lives. Just like a relationship of the opposite sex does, in my opinion. Understandable, if I was neglecting all things in my life and just waiting around and basing my life solely off of a guy – which I agree I have done this to some extent - but I don't think being involved with a guy should define whether or not I'm focusing on myself or implying that I'm doing something wrong. And trust me, I am way too independent and selfish to let a guy completely consume my life!
Side note: I do agree in taking time to heal from past hurts. However, I don't think dating or hanging out with guys or even friends with benefits (if that's what you want) necessarily means you have to jump full force into a relationship. Plus, everyone has their own way of dealing with things and time is relative.
Even though I am not perfect, not completely happy or 100% healthy, my life has been and still is all about figuring out who I am and what makes me happy. Yes, the past year and half I was in a quasi - relationship (well really any relationship since my divorce ha!) that was not healthy and it did NOT make me happy (90% of the time), but even still, I learned SO much about myself and why I am the way I am. I think I learned more about myself in the last couple years than I have in my 28, almost 29 years (OUCH!), of life. So even though sometimes things are bad and detrimental for us they still are teaching and molding us into who we are. I have spend COUNTLESS hours analyzing and over analyzing and still continue to analyze why I did or didn't do and said the things that I said, in the context of these relationships, and because of that I have discovered invaluable things about myself that I wouldn't have if I was never involved. So yes, even in these horrible relationships, I was "focusing on myself". I can't help it if how I go about things or if the way I live my life isn't pleasing to others. It's my life and we all have our own way of sorting through the bullshit.
I believe “focusing on yourself” means living a life that makes YOU happy and whole. How you choose to live or who you choose to spend your time with is up to you. As long as the people you surround yourself with and the environment you are in is uplifting and helping you grow as a person then you are doing something right. I don’t think my problem has ever been that I haven’t been “focusing on myself”, I actually think I have and am doing a good job of making my life about me, even aside from the drama filled relationships that I have been in the last couple years. For example:
- I have a good reputable job that I’ve managed to hold down for 4.5 years on my own. Yes, it has been a little rocky at times (what isn't!) throughout the last few years because of my personal life, but I still have my job. And on most days, I enjoy and am very good at my job! I have also developed several great meaningful relationships with my coworkers that are invaluable in my life and I wouldn't know what to do without some of them!
- I am in nursing school (hence why I am up at almost 1am writing this) which in itself is an accomplishment, yet I am managing it with a full time job. I am not exceeding to my fullest potential but I am still staying afloat and surviving. And I actually really love it and enjoy being a nurse. (So stop and pray right now that I pass this semester!!)
- I work out. I get up 2-3 times early in the morning each week to either go to the gym or run outside. I am running up to 6 miles now and plan on training for a marathon, or at least a half to run this summer/fall. I am also signed up for an Ultra Marathon in July. I've also been attending yoga classes (Yes I am getting good at the downward dog!) with my good friend who also happens to add positivity to my life (extra points!).
- I invest time in photo shoots because it increases my self confidence and makes me feel good about myself which God knows I NEED this extra boost! (Yes, I am horribly insecure. This, I'm sure will be discussed in later blogs!)
I'm pretty sure I do ALL the above things for ME. No one else. So, I'd say that I am indeed "focusing on myself". I think my problem is, rather, my choice of people that I have allowed to take up residence in my life . THAT is what I need to change moving forward! And I believe that I have learned and my life will start to reflect my better choices. (At least I hope.....jk it will!)
I've come to realize that focusing on oneself is unique to each individual person and only you can define what that means for yourself - no one, not even your priest or therapist, can define that for you or for me! Also, you should be focusing on yourself your ENTIRE life. It's a never ending process of refining who you are, being a better version of the you that you were yesterday. So when someone tells me I should "focus on myself", I think it's a no-brainer because I'm never going to stop. (Duh!)
PS I can't promise this will be the only long one! :)
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