First (second) Blog..
It's 4:10am and I'm standing at the gym in a tanning bed. Can't be a good sign considering I didn't get home from class till almost midnight #thisismylife ... Oh, & I'm typing w my non-dominant hand bc of the dripping apple I'm holding in my right. Feeling alittle queezy.. #suchamess
Today, yesterday rather, was not my greatest day. I've been seeming to have quite a few of those "not so good days" the last year..or two...or longer? Idk. I've been thinking of starting a blog for a while now. I used to keep one when I was married (4 or so years ago now) and enjoyed it. Altho, I think this blog is going to be a bit (or a lot) less "happy go lucky" and more real or true to who I am now - post marriage. That brings me to a good first topic..
Real. What is "real" anyway? Who is "real"? Am I or is anyone today really "real"?
I left my marriage for this exact reason: I never felt "real"! Never felt like I was truly who I was deep down, as if I were covering up all the baggage and hurt and the person that I really was. As if I spent my entire post high school days running from who I was or suppose to be. Now, 3 years later I still don't really know if who I am today is me. What does that even mean?
Everyone always says the "key to happiness is finding yourself" but if you don't know what it means to find yourself how can you be happy? I've also heard "it's not until you lose yourself that you truly find yourself". Hmm well I feel pretty darn lost and still don't think I've "found myself". I often think that maybe finding ourselves is some arbitrary concept and that really we just need to be content with the person we are right now. Today. #stillpondering (<---maybe that's my problem! Ha.)
I do know that a lot of my stress and drama in my life is due to this quandary bc when it boils down to it, I am just miserable with myself. With who I am today...#ineedtofixthis :/
Off to run.
Today, yesterday rather, was not my greatest day. I've been seeming to have quite a few of those "not so good days" the last year..or two...or longer? Idk. I've been thinking of starting a blog for a while now. I used to keep one when I was married (4 or so years ago now) and enjoyed it. Altho, I think this blog is going to be a bit (or a lot) less "happy go lucky" and more real or true to who I am now - post marriage. That brings me to a good first topic..
Real. What is "real" anyway? Who is "real"? Am I or is anyone today really "real"?
I left my marriage for this exact reason: I never felt "real"! Never felt like I was truly who I was deep down, as if I were covering up all the baggage and hurt and the person that I really was. As if I spent my entire post high school days running from who I was or suppose to be. Now, 3 years later I still don't really know if who I am today is me. What does that even mean?
Everyone always says the "key to happiness is finding yourself" but if you don't know what it means to find yourself how can you be happy? I've also heard "it's not until you lose yourself that you truly find yourself". Hmm well I feel pretty darn lost and still don't think I've "found myself". I often think that maybe finding ourselves is some arbitrary concept and that really we just need to be content with the person we are right now. Today. #stillpondering (<---maybe that's my problem! Ha.)
I do know that a lot of my stress and drama in my life is due to this quandary bc when it boils down to it, I am just miserable with myself. With who I am today...#ineedtofixthis :/
Off to run.
I have been there to some extent. Mostly not.knowing who I was. I will be 32. And I just now think I figured it out. That whole finding yourself shit?? I don't believe it works like that. It didn't for me. I realized one day that something was missing. Now I'm not here to preach. People did that to me and I HATED it. But let me tell you this. I contacted a friend whom I only knew through fb. She had strong faith and had her shit together. She was so happy with her life. I got to thinking maybe there was a.connection to her faith and her happiness. She guided me. Sent me books. And gifts that inspired me. To be a better me. Whoever she was. My life has not been the same. I have my own relationship with God. I'm not a church goer. But my life sure did change. In 3 months I ended up with a son, a new home, a job that offered me to stay with the same pay and benefits but only working 3 days. It all fell together. I'm happy and I finally figured out who I am. My point. Have faith. Find that someone or something to believe in. It will all come together. And I'm not at all who I thought I was. You will be who your.supposed to be. Sometimes we have to be several different people till we find the one that fits.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kira! Ya kno, my marriage was all about god and church & honestly that was and still is a huge question for me. My ex was very firm in his beliefs. I wasn't. Big reason why I left and I still need to figure out how all that fits with who I am. But that last statement you said is great - "sometimes you have to be several diff versions of yourself to figure out the right one". That's encouraging bc I honestly feel that's how the past few years have been. And until reading that I thought it was a bad thing but really I think it just means I'm heading in the right direction. So thanks!
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