MEN SHOULD WIN DAUGHTERS, NOT BREAD
MEN SHOULD WIN DAUGHTERS, NOT BREAD
According to Dr. Jennifer Kromberg, a licensed clinical psychologist in the state of California, a woman’s early relationship with her dad, who is usually the first male object of her love, shapes her conscious and unconscious perceptions of what she can expect and what is acceptable in a romantic heterosexual partner. She has also stated that she has, “met very few women who did not unconsciously or consciously pick a romantic partner based on the characteristics of her father.” A study at the University of Denver revealed that women’s attachments to the opposite sex— or lack of them— were mirror images of how they related to their father (Secunda, 2015).
It is not uncommon for women who have an emotionally or physically absent father to feel guarded because of their lack of trust in men. Emotional validation, affection, and love from a father are essential for successful intimate relationships.
Bottom line, daughters need a loving, available and predictable father or father figure to count on, even if they aren’t perfect.
In Women and Their Fathers, Gregory F. Augustine said, “I am a lot better father to my 6-year old daughter…because feminists successfully challenged the stereotype of male-female relationships I have dealt much differently with Abby than I might have.”
Men are finally beginning to feel and to acknowledge the consequences of masculinity and the society-driven gender roles that were passed down from previous generations. More and more fathers are learning how to be caregivers and taking on more responsibilities around the house. According to Secunda, 60 percent of the fathers under thirty-five are passing up transfers and promotions in order to spend more time with their families.
Additionally, fathers need to be able to connect with their own emotions before they can connect with their daughters. Support groups that encourage men to be devoted to their families and express their concerns/feelings would also greatly help fathers.
Reducing the stigma of fathers being emotional and sensitive would help ease father’s minds and make them feel adequate and capable of being a positive influence in their daughter’s life. Women, alone, can't rewrite the sexist present. In her last chapters, Secunda says that “men have written the patriarchal past, and we are all living with the consequences. But together men and women can change the future, for their sons, their daughters, and each other.
Suzanne White, a licensed social worker in Rapid City, believes that the solution to creating healthier father-daughter relationships depends on the father’s experience growing up. What their attachment with their parents was like, how they were taught to handle emotions or display love and affection all are factors in the type of parent they will become. Changing the epidemic of unhealthy father-daughter relationships starts with “teaching men and women how to be parents. Teaching them how to connect, attach and bond in relationships. Teaching them how to raise children and how to set boundaries all the while keeping secured with their hearts.”
Despite the wounds that fathers have left in some women, Suzanne believes that it is possible they can heal and resolve their father-daughter issues. First, she has to learn to believe that she is worthy of love despite what she perceived from her father.
According to Dr. Stephen Greene, a licensed Psychologist in Rapid City, healing can only come in the context of a healthy relationship. Desiree is a good example of a daughter healing from old wounds as she now has three children of her own, including one daughter, and a supportive, loving husband who makes it a daily effort to “make sure they are all showed equal love,” including Desiree.
Why gender roles damage the father-daughter relationship.
(article I wrote for one of my classes)
Not only is the idea of the male being the breadwinner possibly oppressive to women, it also puts an immense and unfair amount of stress on fathers to merely be monetarily responsible and discourages them from being involved emotionally, sometimes physically, with their family. According to Victoria Secunda, author of Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, a family revolution needs to happen: fathers need to redefine their child-rearing roles to a gender-neutral parenthood. This will benefit the entire family, especially the father-daughter relationship.
Historically, the value of a man was his ability to financially provide for his family. Women, on the other hand, were responsible for much more including cooking, cleaning and caring for the children.
In the book, Women and Their Fathers, a woman reported her mother saying, "Men are wonderful, but basically, they're babies. Women are much smarter than men. We know everything, we can handle everything. So the best way to handle your father is to let him think he's making all the decisions— and then do what you want."
These restrictive gender roles have discouraged fathers from nurturing their children. By telling fathers that nurturing is meant for mothers, it is encouraging their absence during pregnancy, birth, and into child-rearing years. For example, the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) reports that 23.6 percent of children lived in father-absent homes in 2014. Also, NFI conducted a study that showed the majority of single moms believe that the father can be replaced by a mother or another man.
When women have this viewpoint of men, it can be hard for fathers to feel needed, worthy or capable enough to be a caregiver to their children. Thus, they often don't know how to be intimate with their children, especially their daughters.
Desiree Jackson, an Air Force spouse and a loving mother of three, has felt the effects of these social constructs of gender roles. Her father was never in the picture. She may have “met him three to five times” in her life. She admits that “knowing that my own father, my blood - the person that should have been there to raise me - didn't want me really affected me.”
Women need men. Both young and old, daughters need their fathers. Mothers are not the sole person responsible for their families’ health status and overall happiness. It's only in the last twenty years that fathers have been considered by the psychological community as much more than the "other" parent, taking a very distant second place to mothers. However, evidence shows that this is far from the reality.
Studies show that women develop much higher self-esteem and self-worth when they have active fathers. Women’s romantic relationships are also proven to be more successful.
Women who reported feelings of rejection, chaos, and negativity towards their paternal relationship were more likely to have psychosocial stressors and have higher sensitivity to emotional changes, according to a study conducted at Oklahoma State University. They also engage more in risky sexual behavior and are reported to have more difficult in romantic relationships.
According to Dr. Jennifer Kromberg, a licensed clinical psychologist in the state of California, a woman’s early relationship with her dad, who is usually the first male object of her love, shapes her conscious and unconscious perceptions of what she can expect and what is acceptable in a romantic heterosexual partner. She has also stated that she has, “met very few women who did not unconsciously or consciously pick a romantic partner based on the characteristics of her father.” A study at the University of Denver revealed that women’s attachments to the opposite sex— or lack of them— were mirror images of how they related to their father (Secunda, 2015).
Although Desiree was fortunate to have a father-figure who showed a father-type love, she agrees that father-daughter relationships affect future romantic relationships. Regarding her experience with her now husband, she stated, “I know that when I first met my husband I pushed him away completely. The reason I pushed him away was because I felt that no man could love me. I didn't know at the time but I realize that it was because of the relationship that I didn't have with my father.”
It is not uncommon for women who have an emotionally or physically absent father to feel guarded because of their lack of trust in men. Emotional validation, affection, and love from a father are essential for successful intimate relationships.
Secunda says that women are often trapped between what they want and what they need. What they long for and what they get. For example, many women say they want a compassionate, sensitive man in their lives, yet when they find him, they often perceive him as "weak." Or even that something is wrong with them, because of their misguided belief that they are unlovable. Their definition and idea of love have become damaged. According to Secunda, part of their confusion is that for most women fathers are mystery men.
Bottom line, daughters need a loving, available and predictable father or father figure to count on, even if they aren’t perfect.
Although the image of fathers has come a long way and our viewpoints are changing, there is still a huge absence of fathers in the home. According to a study by NFI, 93 percent of mothers agreed that there is a father absence crisis in the United States today.
As a society, it is our responsibility to fix this crisis. It starts by continuing to change the mindset of gender roles. Not labeling people based on their gender. Encouraging fathers to be more involved with their daughters. Encouraging them to share in the nurturing roles of parenthood, not only being there financially and physically but emotionally.
In Women and Their Fathers, Gregory F. Augustine said, “I am a lot better father to my 6-year old daughter…because feminists successfully challenged the stereotype of male-female relationships I have dealt much differently with Abby than I might have.”
Men are finally beginning to feel and to acknowledge the consequences of masculinity and the society-driven gender roles that were passed down from previous generations. More and more fathers are learning how to be caregivers and taking on more responsibilities around the house. According to Secunda, 60 percent of the fathers under thirty-five are passing up transfers and promotions in order to spend more time with their families.
Additionally, fathers need to be able to connect with their own emotions before they can connect with their daughters. Support groups that encourage men to be devoted to their families and express their concerns/feelings would also greatly help fathers.
Reducing the stigma of fathers being emotional and sensitive would help ease father’s minds and make them feel adequate and capable of being a positive influence in their daughter’s life. Women, alone, can't rewrite the sexist present. In her last chapters, Secunda says that “men have written the patriarchal past, and we are all living with the consequences. But together men and women can change the future, for their sons, their daughters, and each other.
Suzanne White, a licensed social worker in Rapid City, believes that the solution to creating healthier father-daughter relationships depends on the father’s experience growing up. What their attachment with their parents was like, how they were taught to handle emotions or display love and affection all are factors in the type of parent they will become. Changing the epidemic of unhealthy father-daughter relationships starts with “teaching men and women how to be parents. Teaching them how to connect, attach and bond in relationships. Teaching them how to raise children and how to set boundaries all the while keeping secured with their hearts.”
Despite the wounds that fathers have left in some women, Suzanne believes that it is possible they can heal and resolve their father-daughter issues. First, she has to learn to believe that she is worthy of love despite what she perceived from her father.
According to Dr. Stephen Greene, a licensed Psychologist in Rapid City, healing can only come in the context of a healthy relationship. Desiree is a good example of a daughter healing from old wounds as she now has three children of her own, including one daughter, and a supportive, loving husband who makes it a daily effort to “make sure they are all showed equal love,” including Desiree.
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