I'm done. I swear. No for real this time. Seriously.

I recently ended an extremely dysfunctional quasi-relationship that I've been involved in for almost 1.5. I think it probably "ended" 100 times (no joke) since it started. Sad, but true. I ask myself all the time, the question: why?

Why did it go wrong?

That's an easy question to answer bc at the time I was trying to end a pretty bad relationship. I was going through a multitude of emotions: hurt, anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, confusion, any many others. I knew I had to leave the relationship and this new guy seemed like a breathe of fresh air but it was a lot of drama too fast and with all the intense emotions combined, plus the simple fact that I was so unhappy with my life and wasn't sure what was "right", I simply couldn't handle it. So I bailed. 

Why did I continue to be involved?

I think I was stuck on the illusion of how perfect things were and the rush of emotions and passion I continued to feel for him. Clearly, he was a great imposter!

Another reason, and this is a BIG reason, is bc I am incredibly insecure when it comes down to it. I don't understand why someone wouldn't want me so I kept making excuses for all the things he said and did. Also, I do have trust issues so he always made me think it was my fault bc I never "gave him a fair chance" or "put effort into the two of us". So I kept trying. 

I'm also stubborn. Extremely. I won't quit until I know 100% it's not right. It took me 1.5 years. Ha. 

Why did I act the way I did?

I am incredibly irrational. It's in my genetics. I feel an emotion and I instantly lose control over my "wise mind". This is a flaw I will continuously have to work on. I think I'm getting better bc I am aware of my emotions and how I react and I'm more able to talk myself out of doing and saying crazy things (most times) but I still suck and controlling my emotions. Oddly though, it's only over the phone. Maybe my phone should be confiscated? Lol

Why did he treat me so horribly?

This why will never be answered. I might as well stop tourturing myself with all the possible reasons now. He just did. Period. End of story. 

I have gone through a range of emotions the past few days - anger, rage, depressed, sad, humiliated, ashamed, disappointed, hurt, heartbroken, lonely, relief, confused, etc. - but at the end of the day all of this nightmare will go away. Maybe not today but soon. I don't understand it and maybe I never will but I need to move on and learn from it. 

The key is.. WHAT can I learn? 

To be continued..