Time to Fight

Since my last blog post (about 3 weeks), recovery has been really tough.  I think whenever you decide to overcome struggles they seem bigger and stronger. There were many days that I couldn't get out of bed and just wanted to sleep the day away.  I ended up getting discharged (temporarily) from treatment because I missed the limit of days absent because I was just so depressed and felt like I was never going to get over this so why even try. There are people that ask me why I "can't just get over this" or why I "can't just stop purging my food" or "just eat normal" or ..and my favorite.. "it doesn't even seem like you want to get better or are even trying"!  If only it were that simple..

I am extremely hard on myself and having a "problem" in itself is very difficult for me to deal with because I think I should be "stronger" or "smarter", and quite frankly it's embarrassing, and I listen to those negative or uneducated (about the Eating Disordered mind) comments above.  For years, I denied that I even had a "problem" and that I could just stop whenever I wanted.  It wasn't until my life started to fall apart, literally before my eyes, that I realized that this thing that I was using for control was actually completely and utterly controlling me.  I tried doing it on my own for several years but it just kept getting worse and creeping into more and more of who I was as a person.  Even now, since I've decided to get help, it has been a constant struggle because I still fight my treatment team and want to keep a tight grasp of any control that I possibly can (i.e. not following the meal plan, over exercising, using other symptoms that I think are "better", etc.)

"Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

Yesterday, I could not get myself to get up and get out of bed because I was so depressed from having an awful weekend.  But after a lot of self talk I finally got up and decided to fight back. Letting ED (eating disorder) control me is not working. I have to keep pushing out the negative thoughts that are constantly rolling through my head and remembering that there is so much more to life and living. . I have tried every angle of recovery, but keeping any ounce of control to myself is just not an option if I truly want to fight for freedom. Even though there is an unmeasurable amount of fear inside of me because ED is all I've known for 13 years, I can no longer hold onto this, I need to let go....

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” - Marilyn Ferguson

I have a great support system of people that care about me that I need to start letting in. I've always pushed people out because I think I can do it on my own and I feel like I don't deserve the help. Being vulnerable is new to me. But it's something that is necessary for healing.

I got up this morning and the first thoughts as I looked in the mirror were "Ashley, you can't eat breakfast today because you are going to gain weight" and "Ashley, do you really want to let someone else control what you eat or how you live" and "Ashley, how else are you going to deal with stress. You feel good when you use your eating disorder". Of course, these thoughts seem incredibly irrational, especially to the non eating disordered person, because eating does not make you gain weight if you eat the proper portions for your body type and letting go of ED is actually me who is gaining control of my own life and no the eating disorder does nothing but destroy me and suck the life out of me, but in the moment these negative thoughts are so much stronger and seem so real so it's so easy to believe them.  I realize that these thoughts may never go away completely but I have to keep fighting and replacing them with positive thoughts. Replacing them with the truth.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...Do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt 

PS. I did get up this morning and I did eat breakfast!