Run. Run. Yoga. Run. Yoga.

"You run too much", "You don't need to take things to the extreme", "Do you ever do things in moderation?",  "You really shouldn't be exercising that much!"

These are all things that people have said to me lately. All by people who care about me and all valid concerns. However, they also are all very subjective and relative.

I had planned on attending a yoga class and running my normal Thursday mileage (I am training for another 1/2 Marathon) in Philly today after treatment, but after my meeting with my nutritionist I felt like I was doing something wrong. She, as so have others from my treatment team,  has voiced many times her concern about how much I exercise and believes that I rationalize the amount of running and yoga (my new found love) that I engage in to make it okay in my head. I have always viewed exercise as a stress relief and an activity that I genuinely enjoy, however, I left feeling uneasy and unsure about my plans so I choose to forgo yoga and running and ran errands instead. I wanted to challenge myself to do the opposite of what I wanted to do (work out) to see what was really going on inside me: Am I running and attending yoga because I truly enjoy it or do I subconsciously believe that I have to?  Am I substituting one eating disorder symptom for another?  Am I really out of line? Are these concerns of others true? I want to fully recover not just cover up one symptom for another but I didn't want to just listen to every one's concerns without challenging them first.

Challenging the opinion of others is important because it not only gives you a sense of power to make your own decisions but also makes you look within yourself to question your motives. Paying attention to how I am feeling is new to me; for so many years I avoided feeling anything. But the last 3 months I have really learned to be in tune with myself and have allowed myself to feel emotions,  good and bad. Because,  after all, emotions are what make us human.

As I was driving, I realized that I did become more anxious and my eating disordered thoughts and urges were MUCH stronger and louder. (OK so maybe I do feel the need to exercise...). All a sudden my thighs seemed to double in size and I felt 10 lbs heavier (funny how this happens within 10 seconds). I stopped at my first destination and then started to think how lazy I was for skipping yoga and running. I could feel myself slowly slipping back into the negative thinking that I was so accustomed to for so many years. This is a place that I don't want to go to,  a place that I have worked so hard the last 3 months to get out of and a place that I will do anything to stay out of! Exercise keeps me from going to this place. Understandably, exercise is a touchy subject for those recovering from an eating disorder, however, I don't exercise because I have this compulsion to burn off every calorie that I consumed (although I can admit that at times calorie burning is a goal), but I exercise because it's what calms me, it's where I am able to unwind and think, it keeps me in a positive place,  it is therapeutic and healing. Being able to push my body when I don't think I can endure another mile or another minute is a mind strengthening exercise because it shows me that I can do anything if I am determined enough and committed. It shows me that I am strong and not weak. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Sweating symbolizes the washing away of all the negativity and adversity that surrounds me on a daily basis,  often in my own head. And there is no greater feeling then the wind brushing against your body, your face, when you are pushing forward on the pavement.

There is scientific evidence that exercise releases serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, which are all brain chemicals that help decrease stress and depression. Evidence also shows that exercising, especially yoga, can be a great supplement for treating depression. Getting daily activity in can also increase body image and self-esteem and create the feeling of euphoria. Not only are there psychological effects (which these alone already support a strong argument that exercise is beneficial for me), there are also medical benefits such as increased brain function, cardiovascular health, etc. (health.usnews.com).  

I understand that not everyone can relate to my love of exercise and I also understand that many eating disorder patients struggle with over exercising. I also understand that if I'm skipping meals or getting rid of meals that I am not to exercise,  because that is clearly not healthy. And I realize that my treatment team and  those who care about me are only trying to help me and want what's best (and believe me I could not have gotten this far in recovery without them!!) However there is no one treatment plan that works for every single patient. Everyone is different and requires different care and has different limitations. What can be healthy for one person may not be healthy for another.  What works for one person may not work for someone else. I am not everyone else. I am uniquely and apologetically me! This is my recovery and I am an expert on myself.  I know what makes me tick. I know what makes me come alive. I know when my thoughts are spiraling downward. So I have to trust myself as does everyone else. 

My point is that sometimes you have to challenge what others think because they may or may not be right. But searching inside yourself is important. To pause and evaluate why you are doing something, why you are thinking or acting a certain way. Also, you know yourself better than anyone else can or ever will so only you know what's best. That is of course if you are being honest with yourself. There is no manual for life, there is no treatment plan that works for all eating disorder patients. So do what you know is right. Learn to cope with your stresses in a healthy and manageable way. You only have one life to live so live!  Live it extraordinarily!