Relationships. Ugh...
The definition of a relationship is so arbitrary and extremely subjective. I still don't know what it means to me personally after being married, divorced and spending the last 3.5 years "dating" (i.e. hanging out, talking, sex, no sex, etc.). Trying to define relationships has created a lot of internal stress for myself as well as externally with and for others. And definitely has taken up a lot of my time and energy!
My marriage was a relationship that would be defined by society as a committed monogamous typical relationship. Would I consider it a relationship? Not based on what I want and need out of a relationship, no. For me, there was no emotional or physical connection. There was only companionship and a love for him, which can be a type of relationship, just not for me. This was a relationship that I jumped in because I thought it was the "right thing to do" and it was safe!
My only other long term relationship would be considered a dysfunctional relationship ha. It was really just a roomate who I had sex with (mostly drunk).... and fought with...alot. We had nothing in common and he was everything my ex husband wasn't. Basically my rebellious stage after my divorce. This was a year where I was introduced to the person that I kept hidden under a smile for years. It was in this relationship that I began to peal away all the dust and figure out who I was. And boyyy was it not a pretty sight...
Since then, I have been on the prowl for finding the "right person", that person that is my one and true soul mate. Unfortunately, I was vulnerable to Walt Disney and believed every fairy tale love story that he produced. Ya know, the knight and shining armor who comes to rescue the princess and they live happily ever after. Yup, totally fell for that!
However, whenever I meet someone of the opposite sex it's usually over within a couple weeks, partly because I just get bored, some there is no connection or there was some stresser that made my fight or flight response react (major trust issues that I'm working on) and I shut down and ran off (or ran them off!). There has also been the case where the guy doesn't want a committed relationship. Either way, I'm always left with that gut-wrenching feeling that "this isn't right" and "there has to be something more out there than this". And always wondering why nothing ever works out. The more and more I experience this disappointment of not finding "the one", the more I wonder if my view of relationships is wrong.
I have come to realize that I will never be one that settles for an ordinary life. I will always want more: to grow more, to learn more, to experience more, to give more. Whereas, I love that I can spend time with my sister's family and her two sweet kids bring me so much joy, I am not convinced that that is the life for me. I absolutely love kids but I don't think it's necessary to produce your own to experience that joy and fulfillment that they can bring. Why can't investing my time in my niece and nephew be enough? Or spending time on medical missions over in Africa? Don't get me wrong, for some people I wholeheartedly believe they are meant to have a family because that is what they WANT but I don't believe that it's what you HAVE to do just because society says it's the right thing to do. Maybe the white picket fence and two kids isn't the key to a happy and fulfilling life. Maybe marriage isn't for everyone. Maybe you can have different types of relationships with different people. Maybe I am focusing entirely too much on something I shouldn't be.
I do know that I want someone in my life that I can experience life with and grow together. Someone that pushes me to reach my goals and become a better person. Someone that I can talk hours on end with about meaningful things, things that require me to think about life, and answer hard questions. I think I have gotten so caught up on investing so much time and energy into finding the right person, instead of figuring out what makes me happy and what I as an individual am meant to do and what my purpose here on earth is. I think if two people do decide to enter into a commited relationship that it'll just happen one day (serendipity). Without all the planning and worrying about where their relationship is headed or what their relationship status is. I think different people cross our paths for different reasons and we can learn from each one of them and experience great things together. But if we are so worried about what our relationship status is on facebook we miss out on these people and experiences.
I still don't know what is right and I am sure that my trust issues and fear of getting hurt probably play a huge factor in what I believe or don't believe about relationships at this moment. I just know that right now, in my life, I am focused on being the best version of me and trying to live my life in a way that is going to make a difference in this world. I really don't believe that the ultimate purpose of life is to find my soul mate, although it could be (and I hope so) apart of life, so I really need to stop living that way and if it's meant to happen it'll happen in its own perfect timing. And it's own defined meaning.
My marriage was a relationship that would be defined by society as a committed monogamous typical relationship. Would I consider it a relationship? Not based on what I want and need out of a relationship, no. For me, there was no emotional or physical connection. There was only companionship and a love for him, which can be a type of relationship, just not for me. This was a relationship that I jumped in because I thought it was the "right thing to do" and it was safe!
My only other long term relationship would be considered a dysfunctional relationship ha. It was really just a roomate who I had sex with (mostly drunk).... and fought with...alot. We had nothing in common and he was everything my ex husband wasn't. Basically my rebellious stage after my divorce. This was a year where I was introduced to the person that I kept hidden under a smile for years. It was in this relationship that I began to peal away all the dust and figure out who I was. And boyyy was it not a pretty sight...
Since then, I have been on the prowl for finding the "right person", that person that is my one and true soul mate. Unfortunately, I was vulnerable to Walt Disney and believed every fairy tale love story that he produced. Ya know, the knight and shining armor who comes to rescue the princess and they live happily ever after. Yup, totally fell for that!
However, whenever I meet someone of the opposite sex it's usually over within a couple weeks, partly because I just get bored, some there is no connection or there was some stresser that made my fight or flight response react (major trust issues that I'm working on) and I shut down and ran off (or ran them off!). There has also been the case where the guy doesn't want a committed relationship. Either way, I'm always left with that gut-wrenching feeling that "this isn't right" and "there has to be something more out there than this". And always wondering why nothing ever works out. The more and more I experience this disappointment of not finding "the one", the more I wonder if my view of relationships is wrong.
I have come to realize that I will never be one that settles for an ordinary life. I will always want more: to grow more, to learn more, to experience more, to give more. Whereas, I love that I can spend time with my sister's family and her two sweet kids bring me so much joy, I am not convinced that that is the life for me. I absolutely love kids but I don't think it's necessary to produce your own to experience that joy and fulfillment that they can bring. Why can't investing my time in my niece and nephew be enough? Or spending time on medical missions over in Africa? Don't get me wrong, for some people I wholeheartedly believe they are meant to have a family because that is what they WANT but I don't believe that it's what you HAVE to do just because society says it's the right thing to do. Maybe the white picket fence and two kids isn't the key to a happy and fulfilling life. Maybe marriage isn't for everyone. Maybe you can have different types of relationships with different people. Maybe I am focusing entirely too much on something I shouldn't be.
I do know that I want someone in my life that I can experience life with and grow together. Someone that pushes me to reach my goals and become a better person. Someone that I can talk hours on end with about meaningful things, things that require me to think about life, and answer hard questions. I think I have gotten so caught up on investing so much time and energy into finding the right person, instead of figuring out what makes me happy and what I as an individual am meant to do and what my purpose here on earth is. I think if two people do decide to enter into a commited relationship that it'll just happen one day (serendipity). Without all the planning and worrying about where their relationship is headed or what their relationship status is. I think different people cross our paths for different reasons and we can learn from each one of them and experience great things together. But if we are so worried about what our relationship status is on facebook we miss out on these people and experiences.
I still don't know what is right and I am sure that my trust issues and fear of getting hurt probably play a huge factor in what I believe or don't believe about relationships at this moment. I just know that right now, in my life, I am focused on being the best version of me and trying to live my life in a way that is going to make a difference in this world. I really don't believe that the ultimate purpose of life is to find my soul mate, although it could be (and I hope so) apart of life, so I really need to stop living that way and if it's meant to happen it'll happen in its own perfect timing. And it's own defined meaning.
I love the second sentence of your last paragraph. I think you nailed it.
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