My journey through divorce

There are few things I regret in my life. Divorce isn’t one of them.

Divorce to me, was collateral damage of shake-able walls in a corroded foundation.

It broke me.

Not because I missed by ex-husband, I didn't. Not because I didn't want the divorce, I did.  Rather, because it exposed the deepest places in my heart. The places most of us likely try hard to avoid.

Until my divorce, I hadn’t realized all the brokenness that had manifested in my heart and mind.  Most of my life, I tried hard to be what I perceived everyone else wanted or expected of me. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted, at whatever cost.

I didn’t believe I was lovable or worthy of love. I allowed others to treat me less than acceptable, denying me the ability to stand up for myself.  I was vulnerably impressionable and developed a naive view of God based on how others perceived Him. I didn’t believe in myself enough to have my own voice.

My marriage and life was a masquerade.  I became very good at disguising my pain and brokenness from not only those around me, but myself. 

The painful road I took leading to divorce, and the years following, was a direct reflection of living a life driven by insecurity and fear.  I didn’t find my identity in God. I didn't even know what the identity of God looked like, at least not fully. To me, God was someone to fear and always at a distance. He was never really in the decisions of my life.

Divorce helped me find an identity that I can rely on. It pushed me to face the pains of my past, and uncover all that was within. It pushed me towards a loving, merciful, guiding and trusting God.

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling 

Today, I value knowing the character of God.  Really knowing His true character.  It is only through understanding who God is that I can truly understand who I am. My value and worth are measured, not by the people who have treated me poorly, or even those who treated me well, but by the One who created me.

I value the importance of self-awareness. Understanding who I am and my value is essential in not only being a healthy individual but making healthy choices. Major life decisions, such as marriage and divorce, can be greatly affected if we are not emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy.

Today, I love. I really love.  Not out of need or seeking fulfillment in someone else, but out of pure and intentional love.

Insecurities and personal failures will always be a part of who we are, we are imperfect. But when we are healthy, life becomes a little bit clearer, real and intentional.  Fear no longer stands in the way.  

There are moments when I still struggle with the choices of my past, but I know that I am covered by grace.  I know that I am worthy of love.  I have learned to forgive myself and focus on the present. Today is what matters.

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P.S. - I am not saying if you are unhappy go get divorced! Rather, I am saying find your identity in the One whom created you.  Be confident in who you were designed to be. Then, only then, should you make life changing decisions such as marriage.