Divorcing Ed
"He was abusive, controlling, and never once hesitated to tell me what he thought, how I was doing it wrong, and what I should be doing instead. I hated him, but I could not leave him, Ed convinced me that I needed him and that without him I was worthless, nothing special, and worse. He told me that he was looking out for my best interest - that his way was for my own good - but he always turned on me. He made promises that he never kept. When I hit bottom physically and emotionally, I finally decided to divorce him" - Jenni Schaeffer
For years now, I have battled with my own version of Ed - acronym for Eating disorder. Back in December I finally hit my rock bottom and decided to reach out for the first time in 12 years. I quit treatment after several weeks, mostly because I kept "messing up" and I have a really hard time dealing with failure and tend to be extremely hard on myself - I often think "if I can't do it perfectly then I won't do it at all!!" which clearly is not normal thinking. Out of desperation to get rid of this nasty disorder, I decided to go back in May to a facility in Philadelphia. However, this time around my motivation has been horrible. I have been on the fence about treatment due to a lot of reasons. I am terrified of letting go of something that has been apart of me for almost half my life. It's been my coping mechanism, my stress reliever, my safe place, my way of control and many other things but it's no longer working for me. It's sucking the life out of me - emotionally and physically.
I have spent the past several years closed off and pushing people out and the quality of my life has been very poor. I've been pretty miserable. Being home the past few weeks and around family and friends who care about me has made me realize that this is not the type of life that I want to live. Life is short and I need to stop wasting it. I'm allowing my eating disorder to strip me of the life that I want and deserve and the person that I want to be.
Decisions are what make or break us. It's time for me to stop being ambivalent and make the choice to fully recover. I know it's going to suck and be a long road but as Anais Nin says it, "there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom". I have the choice to stay in my eating disorder or step forward in growth and towards serenity.
What is serenity?
It is not obsessing about dinner before even eating breakfast. It is not counting calories or exchanges obsessively. It is not scrambling for food in order to fill a bottomless hunger. It is not sitting on my kitchen floor feeling guilty and depressed after what I have just done. It is not staring down a toilet with tears streaming down my face. It is not panicking because I can't get rid of my food. It is not hiding in a dark room. It is not being angry. It is not avoiding parties. It is not staring in the mirror in disgust. It is not feeling guilty for taking care of myself. It is not people pleasing. It is not Ms. Perfectionist. It is not Ed...
It is actually eating without stressing. It is enjoying myself at a cookout. It is going out to dinner with friends. It is being able to go out for ice cream. It is being alone in my apartment without being afraid. It is exercising for enjoyment. It is being nourished. It is spending time with my niece and nephew. It is letting people close to me and my boundaries. It is honesty. It is being able to say no. It is the ability to focus. It is doing things that I enjoy. It is healing. It is building meaningful relationships. It is pursuing my dreams. It is smiling and meaning it. It is laughing. It is being happy. It is respecting myself. It is loving myself. It is loving others. It is being me. It is freedom.
Note - some of this blog was taken and/or inspired by the book "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaeffer. I read this book when I was in treatment the first time and really connected with it. Definitely a book to read over and over again!
For years now, I have battled with my own version of Ed - acronym for Eating disorder. Back in December I finally hit my rock bottom and decided to reach out for the first time in 12 years. I quit treatment after several weeks, mostly because I kept "messing up" and I have a really hard time dealing with failure and tend to be extremely hard on myself - I often think "if I can't do it perfectly then I won't do it at all!!" which clearly is not normal thinking. Out of desperation to get rid of this nasty disorder, I decided to go back in May to a facility in Philadelphia. However, this time around my motivation has been horrible. I have been on the fence about treatment due to a lot of reasons. I am terrified of letting go of something that has been apart of me for almost half my life. It's been my coping mechanism, my stress reliever, my safe place, my way of control and many other things but it's no longer working for me. It's sucking the life out of me - emotionally and physically.
I have spent the past several years closed off and pushing people out and the quality of my life has been very poor. I've been pretty miserable. Being home the past few weeks and around family and friends who care about me has made me realize that this is not the type of life that I want to live. Life is short and I need to stop wasting it. I'm allowing my eating disorder to strip me of the life that I want and deserve and the person that I want to be.
Decisions are what make or break us. It's time for me to stop being ambivalent and make the choice to fully recover. I know it's going to suck and be a long road but as Anais Nin says it, "there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom". I have the choice to stay in my eating disorder or step forward in growth and towards serenity.
What is serenity?
It is not obsessing about dinner before even eating breakfast. It is not counting calories or exchanges obsessively. It is not scrambling for food in order to fill a bottomless hunger. It is not sitting on my kitchen floor feeling guilty and depressed after what I have just done. It is not staring down a toilet with tears streaming down my face. It is not panicking because I can't get rid of my food. It is not hiding in a dark room. It is not being angry. It is not avoiding parties. It is not staring in the mirror in disgust. It is not feeling guilty for taking care of myself. It is not people pleasing. It is not Ms. Perfectionist. It is not Ed...
It is actually eating without stressing. It is enjoying myself at a cookout. It is going out to dinner with friends. It is being able to go out for ice cream. It is being alone in my apartment without being afraid. It is exercising for enjoyment. It is being nourished. It is spending time with my niece and nephew. It is letting people close to me and my boundaries. It is honesty. It is being able to say no. It is the ability to focus. It is doing things that I enjoy. It is healing. It is building meaningful relationships. It is pursuing my dreams. It is smiling and meaning it. It is laughing. It is being happy. It is respecting myself. It is loving myself. It is loving others. It is being me. It is freedom.
Note - some of this blog was taken and/or inspired by the book "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaeffer. I read this book when I was in treatment the first time and really connected with it. Definitely a book to read over and over again!
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